point of no return

growing, learning, responsibility....i'm at the point where i have to. sometimes i want it, and at other times i don't. can anyone relate?
maybe it's just because i'm about to turn 21 on sunday. i'm at the point where there is no return...i have to be a responsible adult. next year i'll be 22 and the next 23! that sounds so old to me right now...why?
or maybe it's because in 38 days i will be getting married and will have a crap load of responsibility suddenly drop on my shoulders. i'm gonna have to be the one who brings home the bacon until he finishes school. that's 4-5 years down the road. is this really what i want? some days i just want to sleep in and do nothing all day, but that's not reality. no one can do that everyday. it would be such a waste anyways! i want to wake up to my husband, get him off to work, take the kids to school, clean, do shopping, make dinner....but i'm not there yet, obviously. what i do right now, if i am responsible with what i have now, if i am faithful, then in the future maybe God will bless me with kids, not having to have a job, etc. i must prove to be faithful. but even then, my wants and desires may not be what God has in store for my life. it may be nothing close to the plan He has for me...He can change my desire. it sounds so easy, to just tell myself to wait on the Lord and do His will.... i will fall, but my Lord is full of grace. i will strive to seek Him and do His will...if that means living in Africa as a missionary, then so be it. what i want is not what matters. my life is not my own. i am His, i am an alien living in a foreign land.

I'm ready to grow up.